Graduations and Pains

This past weekend has been bittersweet.

Congratulations to the Class of 2013. Congratulations to the people I came into college with. Congratulations, as I watch from behind.

It was sweet to see all my friends celebrate after four years of college. Their happiness and excitement are things they've earned. But it hit me as my class gathered together in their caps and gowns to take a picture together: I wasn't there with them. It was a sharp pain in my chest. Like the pang you feel in your heart as you look into a party where all your friends are gathered, but you're not invited.

I don't want to turn this into a sob story where you feel sorry for me. But this experience haunted me for the past few weeks.

"How do you feel about graduating?", "Did you get your cap and gown yet?", "Are your parents here this weekend?", "I didn't hear your name at convocation."

All of these were followed by an "Oh..."

I hear from every which way I turn to stay in college and that the real world sucks. Well, do you know what sucks? Seeing the people you came into college with move on without you. I can't blame anyone but myself for transferring majors late and dooming myself to an extra year of tuition.

As everyone smiled with their caps and gowns at the cameras in front of them, I looked on from the sideline with a fake smile and painfully wanted to be there too.

The Man Who Bombed and The Country's Outrage

It has been 1 year, 11 months, and 21 days since the death of Osama Bin Laden.

It has been a few days since the capture of Dzokhar Tsarnaev, aka the Boston Bomber.

For the days leading up to his capture, my eyes were glued on my computer screen going through as many articles as I could trying to figure out who was responsible for the Boston Marathon bombing. I shouldn't be surprised, but reddit was the greatest help for me (and I never used reddit before). I wanted to find out what kind of person was responsible for such an awful event. I've only seen one picture of a victim and it was enough to make me sick and not want to look at any more. It was a picture of a person with half his leg blown off. I couldn't look anymore.

The news that Dzokhar was captured alive came as great news. Half of me wanted him to suffer and realize how many lives he has negatively impacted. But, the other half of me didn't want that. 

Yes, he committed a despicable act.
Yes, he killed and injured people.
Yes, he forced a major city to shutdown.
Yes, he is a 19-year old sicko.

But, I can't seem to be overjoyed.

Yes, I do want him to be arrested.
Yes, I do want him to face justice.
Yes, I do wish all the victims didn't have to suffer at his hands.
Yes, I do despise this kid.

But, what would Jesus do?

This article helped me remember why I wasn't overjoyed. It reminded me of my blog post about the death of Osama Bin Laden. What does the Bible have to say?

Do I take any pleasure in the death of the wicked? declares the Sovereign LORD. Rather, am I not pleased when they turn from their ways and live?- Ezekiel 18:23

Rather than wishing the worst upon this individual, doesn't God call us to love and forgive? How are we supposed to love someone who causes harm to others?

Jesus would love and forgive this man. How are we going to put the name of Jesus on our backs when we call ourselves Christians if we can't even do as He did? 

Pray for Boston. 
Pray for the victims and families of those affected. 
Pray for the healing of the wounded. 
Pray for the departed souls. 
Pray for angry people around the world for an understanding heart. 
Pray for the forgiveness of Dzokhar Tsarnaev.

Life and Blessings

Praise and prayer on Friday night prompted me to count my blessings. Things can come tumbling down in a blink of an eye. What God gives, he can always take away.

I am thankful everyday that I came to know Jesus Christ. I have no idea what my life would have come to if I never found Christ. My life before I became a Christian is such a blur now. I started going to church the summer before my senior year in high school. My friend told me about a volunteer job at a summer day camp at a local church. He told me to apply since I couldn't find a job for the summer. I slowly started going to church there after meeting some new friends and seeing the love everyone had for each other. It may just be a coincidence, but that following school year was the most fun I had in high school. I became happier ever since I started going to church. I've met irreplaceable friends and the amazing love of God.

I take my family for granted way too many times. They love me and they're always there for me. My teenaged years were a nightmare for my parents. You can call me a mama's boy. My mom did everything for me, much to my sister's chagrin. I saw that. I saw how annoyed my sister got whenever my mom yelled at her for things I easily got away with. I didn't want my sister to keep hating me for something I had no control over. It's not like I told my mom to yell at her. I also didn't want my mom to keep interrupting me whenever I was playing games or IM'ing friends. So I did what every other teenager did. I became rebellious. I would constantly talk back to my mom. I would get annoyed at her whenever she tried to talk to me. This caused a massive heartache for my mom. Years of this has strained my relationship with her. It's been getting slightly better. But the strain is still there and it's made it painfully difficult for me to apologize for all this. Hopefully in the near future, I'll have the courage to talk to my mom about all this. My parents aren't Christian, so that'll be an even more difficult conversation to bring up. I also owe them my income whenever I start working for putting up with my Syracuse tuition.

God, family, and friends. I have been blessed with amazing people and an amazing grace. The material goods I have in my life are awesome, but it wouldn't be the end of the world if I lost it all. But it would be the end if I lost the above mentioned.

Count your blessings every day.

Rock Climbing and Impacts

He was a tall guy. Fairly scrawny, pretty neat glasses, and a nice haircut. Physically, he wasn't someone who stood out besides being over six feet. But a sense of admiration and awe overcame me as I saw him take steps across a wall I kept falling down from.

I went rock climbing a few days ago. I haven't gone rock climbing since middle school. I used to be terrified of heights (now I'm just scared to the point that I won't make a big deal out of it). "Terrified" is probably an understatement. I remember crying my eyes out when the guy belaying me wouldn't let me down because I "almost reached the top". I remember looking down from the top and fear quickly wrapped up my mind. I cried and put a fit.

Well, I have since made efforts to overcome my fear. Roller coasters were a big help.

There are so many things about rock climbing I never understood. There was this one route I was trying to climb. A trail of pink tape marked which rocks (I don't know what they're actually called) I'm supposed to use as grips and footholds. I got near the top every time but I would fall at the same exact spot. Then the tall guy previously mentioned started the same route I was trying. He gracefully got to the spot I repeatedly fell at. I noticed he was on his toes a lot. He then made a quick cross with his legs and reached the top. I was dumbfounded. I never thought of sidestepping. For me, the only thought I had was up. Not to the side.

Not only did I reach the top the next time I tried it, I had a much more enjoyable time getting to the top of other routes.

It's great how much of an impact you can have on a complete stranger and not even know about it. Thanks "Rockclimbing Tall Guy".

Atmospheres and Flirting

Everyone should learn how to read situations and atmospheres. By no means am I a professional when it comes to this, but I still have a somewhat decent understanding of it. Enough, at least, to realize the obvious.

I spent the majority of yesterday and today in the initial phases of jury duty. I took a novel off my bookshelf that my sister left there in hopes that I could kill time with some reading. Eighteen pages into the novel and my eyes refused to read another word. A scoop of vanilla ice cream on top of a vanilla sundae. As boring as it gets. A boring novel waiting for my name to be called for jury duty. I spent the rest of the time people watching and napping.

Eventually we got separated into groups for interviews with the defense attorney and prosecutor. This took 3 hours of yesterday and all of today. Anyways, I ended up talking to two asian guys my age because...well, we're asian and about the same age. They talked to me first for the record. Onto reading atmospheres. One of said asian guys talked to me, a lot. (I'll name him Asian Guy #1 in this post) Probably because he's seen me before somewhere and uses that as a premise for knowing me. Besides being a ridiculously messy eater (the guy dropped every sesame seed off the bun and half the lettuce off of his burger during lunch break) and having a rather weird sense of humor, I supposed I didn't mind talking to him.

But I spotted a cute girl in our group and she was sitting alone during breaks. We exchanged several glances in and out of the courtroom. Harmless flirting. Outside of jury duty, I'll probably never see her again. So as Asian Guy #1 kept talking, I inched little by little away from him and towards her. As soon as he averted his attention somewhere else, I escaped him and proceeded to talk to said girl. I honestly wasn't hoping for any type of relationship with her, but I did want to talk to her. In comes Asian Guy #1 not even 10 seconds into our conversation.

Really, dude? Really?

Atmosphere ruined. Well, the atmosphere I was trying to build up anyways. Asian Guy #2 was much more understanding and struck up a conversation with an elderly woman nearby instead.

Props to you, Asian Guy #2.

Pretentious Girl and Lovable Man

I tend to be a very bad initial judge of character.

On the first day of my acting class, there was one girl who always raised her hand for every question and answered with a solemn face. She was an acting major in a class for non-majors. I automatically assumed she was a pretentious know-it-all who was in the class to be better than everyone else. I soon found out that this girl would smile at everything and encourage everyone to be better. She just has that solemn, cool and collective face when answering questions.

I saw a man sitting by himself at a bus stop once. Everyone else waiting for the bus waited outside of the little shelter. The man looked like a bum, but looked like a nice man. I sat next to him at the shelter and he immediately asked me for change. I politely told him I had none. He then asked me for a cigarette, to which I also said I didn't have. He then apologized and proceeded to mutter something every time someone walked by. It was usually a quiet holler at every female that walked by or a derogatory remark to every guy. In short, this man was an asshole.

When I first see someone, it's like I'm given a multiple choice of their personality and I always get it wrong. Good thing I always get second and third chances to reevaluate people I actually want to continue talking to.

Going Green and Capitalism

It's almost 5 AM and I've long given up on my assignment for Thursday. My bed is calling for me, but I'm too stubborn to listen.

My "Design Issues" professor has been going on about sustainability, climate change, and a whole load of green words for the past week or so. How does all this relate to design? Beats me. I've tuned him out since the beginning of the semester and opting to read articles in class on my laptop. Hey, I'm still learning in class right? Surprised I haven't been called out on it, though. Whenever my professor walks by, I'm sure he can see I'm not paying attention or have anything relevant on my screen. I guess it's how I conduct myself whenever he walks around the room. Most people lower their screens or quickly change to a word document when they notice him walk by. I find that ridiculously suspicious. If I saw someone take notice of my presence and promptly lowered their laptop screens, I'd be curious as to what they're hiding. Whenever he walks by, I just shift my head to let him know I know he's there, and then continue on as I was doing.

I have a friend in the class who is an advocate for all that green stuff. She's probably one of the three people in a class of fifty-something people (about 30 of whom actually attend class) who are actually engaging in the material. The rest of us zone out or are on our laptops. Anyways, she goes on about the problems we can face if we don't act. Something like that, I think. I wouldn't be able to recall. I zone out when she talks about it, too.

Should I care? Probably yes. It's an important issue. I recognize global warming is an actual threat that Republicans seem to not understand. Is it because I'm probably going to be dead by the time the Earth is rocked to its core by natural disasters (barring any 2012 doomsday conspiracies)? Or is it because it's not having an immediate effect on my life?

The most I do is recycle. I don't want to waste my time slowing down the inevitable. No matter how small or big the difference I bring to the cause, it won't stop the fact that global warming is still going on. It's like the vegans/vegetarians who protest against the slaughter of animals for consumption. The animals are still going to be killed and consumed no matter how much they protest. It's the sad truth that capitalism is built on. The meat industry is way too big and profitable to concede to some moral issues. The gasoline industry won't go down against however many alternative energy source ideas pop up.

It's all for the money.

The Conversationalist and Edward Scissorhands

If there's one thing I have learned about hair stylists, it is that they must be able to hold a conversation.

I got a haircut last week. I checked online for appointment times and noticed my usual stylist wasn't available at all. After walking in, I inform them I am not scheduled for an appointment. The guy working the counter points me over to this scrawny guy who looked like your typical hipster with his wavy hair, black rimmed glasses, neatly trimmed mustache, and checkered dress shirt tucked in. Let's call him Edward Scissorhands. Why? Because the man was so hellbent on doing the entire cut with scissors.

My previous stylist could talk for hours and still have the same pep in her voice as when she began talking. The first time I ever got my hair cut by her, I was humming a song on the radio and she forever remembered me by that. Every time afterwards she would ask me to hum or sing along to the song on the radio. She would always rave on about the shampoo she used because it felt like an IcyHot on your scalp.

Edward Scissorhands seemed like he was afraid of talking. He would ask a question here and there, but I could tell from the strain in his voice that he preferred not to talk. I didn't mind. I don't like being forced to maintain a conversation with someone who doesn't want to talk. I'm more comfortable letting there be a silence. And I'm sure he wanted it to be silent too. So I kept my mouth shut except for the few word answers I would give him to his sporadic questions.

Not everyone is a conversationalist and that's fine. The manager came up afterwards and berated him for not talking more to which I tried to assure him that I was okay with it.

Then again, I would rather prefer my hair stylist to be able to hold a conversation than taxi drivers. Holding a conversation with Syracuse taxi drivers is one of the things I abhor the most. I am forced to listen and respond since I'm the only one in the car. That and it's usually in the morning when I miss the bus to the Warehouse and I'm sweating buckets in fear of being late to class. Less chit-chat and more driving.

Dream Girl and Years Later

I sat in front of my acting for non-majors class after my improv listening to my professor critique me. He asked me "Have you ever had a girl you liked a lot? A dream girl?" This question was supposed to help me create a more emotional scene without the intention to throw my mind in a frenzy.

I can say I have liked a girl so much to the point where I can identify her as my dream girl. I remember the day I met her. I was playing basketball with my friends at a park during my freshman year of high school when she walked by. My friend called out to her and asked if she wanted to bring a volleyball and play with us. She lived nearby and said okay. That was the first time I met her. Didn't give off a good first impression since I am terrible at volleyball. Lucky for me she went to my school. I happened to walk by her in the hallway weeks later and we sort of recognized each other. We confirmed that we met at the park once.

It all unraveled from there. I remember writing a Valentine's Day card for her my sophomore year. I remember panicking all day before I finally gave it to her at the end of the day. Our lockers happened to be near each other. I knew she wasn't interested in me. But I still gave her that card. We didn't speak much afterwards. I sort of moved on, but she was still in the back of my mind.

I don't recall talking to her at all my junior year. I never had any classes with her (and I never did in all four years of high school). But we did have ninth period free our senior year. We hung out with a group of mutual friends every ninth period on Tuesdays I believe. I was pretty sure she forgot about the Valentine's card or at least didn't care anymore. Though I say I got over her, I still liked her. I remember she was having a difficult time with prom. She was waiting for this guy to ask her. I gathered up my guts and asked her if she would go with me if he didn't ask her. She gave me this amazing smile and said yes. Though I felt bad since this guy is one of the nicest guys you'll ever meet and I want to apologize to him for the pain I've caused him even after all these years. He wanted to go with her but he didn't want to burden her since he couldn't dance. She's an amazing dancer. Anyways, I ended up going to prom with her and that will probably go down as the biggest highlight of my high school life.

I wanted to ask her out. But she fell out of contact afterwards. Half the blame should go to me for not trying harder. But things happen. We still keep in touch now and then. She has a boyfriend now. And I am truly happy for her.

I can now say I have gotten over her. Sure, deep down in my heart, she will still be my dream girl from high school. I will always hold on to that. Even after all these years. But the clock is ticking and my mom won't stop nagging.

So when my professor asked if I ever had a dream girl, I just nodded.

Mornings and Happiness

Not a morning person? Neither am I. I'm impressed by people who can wake up early and not be a grouch. For me, the morning starts when I have to get up (unless it's 3 PM...then my day is just lost). I rarely have good mornings because I try to get in as much sleep as humanly possible. I time everything. I give myself the bare minimum amount of time to get to class (or wherever else I'm going) to ensure I get the maximum amount of sleep that I can.

With that said, it's no wonder I'm a grouch in the morning. I hurry myself to the point that I need to rush to places (habit of a New Yorker?). At those moments, I cannot tolerate anything or anyone inhibiting my journey to said destination.

All that aside, here are some tips I have found to be helpful to myself to have a great morning that carries out throughout the day:

• Reward your stomach and taste buds. That's the least you can do for wrenching your body out of your nice, cozy bed and into the frigid air outside of your blanket. Normally I don't have breakfast due to the lack of time. I indulge in double the lunch to make up for it. But breakfast is amazing when it's not cereal and milk. I've had the pleasure of having waffles with ice cream today. I apologize Elizabeth for not mentioning this while I devoured my waffles. But a warm waffle goes with ice cream like ketchup on eggs. IT'S DELICIOUS. While the coldness of the ice cream is still fresh in your mouth, drink a hot cup of coffee. You can thank me later.
• Reconnect with good music. I usually just listen to the same playlist on my iPod while I go wherever I'm going. That's basically just house/electronic/dubstep/anything that makes me want to dance. However, there are days when I decide to just hit shuffle on all my songs. I surprise myself with songs that come up. While I was walking back from class, one of my favorite songs of all time came up: "You Are Not Alone" by Michael Jackson. Instantly made me smile.
• Listen to new songs. Enough said.
• Smile. It's free therapy. Someone told me you can improve your mood by just smiling. It's true. I get happy watching other people be happy. When someone else is genuinely smiling, I smile too. I watch videos of soldiers returning home to an unexpected family. Everyone bursts into tears of joy and I'm smiling like an idiot to myself. It makes me happy to be a human being. That or watching Jamar Rogers' reaction when Cee Lo turned his chair around for him on The Voice. Happiness can be contagious, even if it's through a computer screen.
• Most importantly, don't rush yourself. It's nice to just walk at your own comfortable pace and enjoy the things around you. When you're in a hurry to be somewhere, the journey becomes that much less enjoyable. You're constantly worried about the little things that can delay you. Go to sleep earlier so you can wake up earlier.

I really need to follow my own advice, especially on the last one there. But I'm a procrastinator. I work most efficiently against the clock. Old habits are hard to break.

Bro Code and Strike

Blatant violation of the bro code.

True violations are hard to come by. There are the minor ones that you can just brush off your shoulders. Every guy has these invisible laws known as the "bro code" engraved in their minds as they grow up.

My roommate and I were at the gym. He was playing volleyball and I was playing basketball. As we are being kicked out of the gym, I look outside and it's raining. I had no hood and no umbrella. Awesome. My roommate drove. I double check with him to see if he drove.

"Sorry, I promised the girls I'd drive them home."

My mind was trying to scramble for appropriate words to say. I made a joking effort to get a ride to no avail. In the end, I had nothing to say and turned away. Don't get me wrong. I think it's proper to escort girls back home if you have a car. But I'm one guy. A guy who is going to exact same place as the driver. Unless he was trying to drive the women's lacrosse team in one trip, I don't see how I couldn't have fit in the ride.

This goes beyond the bro code. This should be classified as roommate code.

I get home soaking wet. I check my phone which I left at home to charge. One text message from said roommate. "Do you want to go to Price Choppers?" I literally stared at this message in disbelief. If you are going to bring me to do some grocery shopping, wouldn't it have made sense to drive me back from the gym so you wouldn't have to wait for me to walk home in the rain?

I'm too tired to be upset. I have an 8:30 AM class in the morning and I haven't done the assignment yet.

That's strike 1, roommate.

Vision and Weakness

What a blessing last week has been. It's been three days since I've come back from Vision Conference. I wasn't sure if I wanted to go when my friend told me about it two months ago. But I am so glad that I went.

The conference featured two amazing pastors, Rick James and Peter Ahn. Rick James blessed us with biblical context which we could apply to our every day lives. Peter Ahn wasn't afraid to show his transparency and shared with us personal stories that rocked our souls. He also shared a lesson in evangelism that answered so many of my questions about the topic. It seemed like both pastors somehow directly answered questions everyone was holding in their hearts which I find to be mind blowing. Every plenary that the pastors spoke at left me amazed at how questions I've long had have been answered.

What's the most important thing I can take out of this conference?

It's that I shouldn't be afraid to be broken and weak. I shouldn't be afraid to rely on God for the times I'm down. I've been a very independent person. Whenever I face an obstacle in my path, I only use my own power to hurdle it. I've only relied on God a few times and those were things that weren't in my control.

There's so much that I've experienced and learned at Vision Conference that I cannot possibly put them down in one blog entry.

The lone bad thing about conference was the lack of campus representation. Most of the people at the conference were there with people from their college campus. There were three people from Syracuse there. I'm all for going back next year at the moment. But I hope more Cuse people will be there next year. Gotta start up a Syracuse group there.

More Highlights and Anticipations

Unlike last year, my end to the year wasn't so memorable. It's not like it was bad by any means, but I don't have the same emotional high as last year. I'm still teetering on whether I should make a resolutions list this year or not. Hopefully I'll get an answer as I type this out.

Highlights of 2011 include:

• Getting into VPA.
• Seeing Ben Stiller and Eddie Murphy.
• Got my learner permit (about time).
• KCS 2011 retreat.
• Got into the Shift Dance Crew.
• Ddukboogies '11.
• Going to Stony Brook for spring break.
• Working at the summer day camp at my church over the summer.
• "The Rapture" (it was nice for jokes and giggles).
• Living in an apartment this semester.
• Cutting off a small chunk of my left index finger on the last day of finals.

It's not that noticeable from far away, but you can (well at least I can) see it when you look closely.

The list of highlights have sure extended from what I had last year. Then again, having a blog and a new Facebook timeline helps in keeping track of the events that transpired. I'm probably still missing things. But as I said last year, if I don't remember it, then it does not merit being a highlight.

Well the new year is here and I'm still adamant on not having resolutions. I still stand by what I've been saying. I don't need a specific day to announce to myself how to improve my own well being.

Instead, I'll do...(drum rolls please)...another list! I'll list out things I'm looking forward to this year.

• Vision Conference in three days.
• A whole bunch of movies (The Dark Knight Rises, The Avengers, The Amazing Spider-man, Snow White and the Huntsman (yep), The Hunger Games).
• World of Dance: New York (they are moving to a new venue this year. Goodbye hot and stuffy Brooklyn Tech auditorium).
• Spring semester (I have a feeling it's going to be a fun semester).
• Hopefully a summer internship.
• Hopefully my driver's license this summer.
• December 21, 2012 (I love it when doomsday predictions don't pan out).

May more things spring up as the year goes on.

Tweets and Prejudice

Follow me, please!

I've always hated on Twitter from afar for being Facebook with only 140 character statuses. But, I've never tried it...so how can I judge it so much? I read this article and decided to give it a chance.

Timeline and Math

It's sad how we lose touch with people who we used to share laughs with everyday. I've updated my Facebook to the new timeline last week and I finally decided to scroll through the early years of having Facebook.

One of the first posts I saw was a status update. December 13, 2008: "GOT ACCEPTED INTO COLLEGE! Syracuse '13!" Almost every comment was some sort of congratulations, except for one person. Let's call him Jeambon in this post (which is his last name. I love his last name). We used to have math together senior year (and I'm sure we had more classes together before that but my memory is failing me). We used to talk all the time in class and laughed at each other when we failed, or near-failed, our quizzes and exams. It was senior year, grades didn't matter anymore. Well his comment said "don't fail math now". Just reading that now makes me miss all the laughs we had together in high school. Now we don't even talk anymore. Honestly, I completely forgot about Jeambon until I re-read this status.

Nostalgia washed over me as I looked at pictures from the last day of classes to prom to pies on pi day. I used to wish for high school to end as soon as possible. Looking back, it's easy to miss those days.

I wonder what I'll be thinking fives years from now. Oh and thank you Facebook for this timeline even if it means more breaches in our privacy.

Choices and Chance

I went to watch a movie today and came across the oh-so common dilemma.

"Hmm. Popcorn or nachos? I want something salty and buttery. But I also want something cheesy."

I'm an advocate for coin flipping. I'm sure everyone has flipped a coin to decide between two choices or at least seen a coin flip. Why flip coins? Well, here's two reasons:

1. Hypothetically, it's a fair 50/50 chance.
2. You'll know the outcome before the coin has even landed.

Hope I threw you off on the second one there. Subconsciously, we know which of two options we want more. We might not be aware of it, but deep down we know. This is where flipping coins come into play. Let's say heads is popcorn and tails is nachos. The moment I saw the coin in the air, I hoped it would land on heads. I knew what I wanted despite the outcome of the coin flip. I've been in situations when I flipped a coin and was dissatisfied with the result. I would think to myself "Ok, best 2 out of 3". In those situations, we know clearly what we want. When you're disappointed or have a negative feeling about what the coin landed on, just do the opposite. Do the other option. It's what your heart desires.

The coin landed on tails, but I got popcorn regardless.

Exhibits and Mountains

Welcome to Pixel Portal. An exhibit on the Digital Revolution and its impact on graphic design.

This is the project I have been locking myself up in the Warehouse to do for the past two weeks. There are two things about this project. One, it made me love and hate group projects all at once. Two, it costs more than a college student would be ever willing to spend. Printing alone is pricey. That doesn't even factor in materials that needed to be bought to make this (and all the rough models before it).

These are pictures I took on my barely-acceptable 2 megapixel phone camera. My group took better pictures the next day with actual lighting and better cameras.

The outside of our exhibit. It's 4 feet by feet. 2 feet high. Forgot the actual scale of the exhibit. The "T" and "S" in the upper left corner is not part of our exhibit. That's just from the calendar behind the wall.

That's a portion of our "timeline wall" with dates and contents popping in and out of the wall.

The front of a kiosk we have in the exhibit that shows iconic figures in the Digital Revolution (like Steve Jobs and April Greiman). That is also a silhouette cutout of me checking out the touch screens we have on the table kiosks.

Another view.

A look at the other side of the "timeline wall".

The "timeline wall" was the death of my group. It was a pain to make as well as assemble. But in the end, it got finished and it didn't look half bad. The finishing of this project was like reaching the summit of a mountain that I have been climbing for over a month. Now all that's left to do is go back down the mountain.

Hallucinations and Time

Have you ever been so tired that you hallucinated?

First time I started hallucinating because of the lack of sleep was earlier this semester. When I don't get enough sleep, I normally just nap after my classes or just not go to class. But, I've been pushing myself this semester. I can say I've missed no more than three classes this entire semester. I can't even nap after classes right now because of all the work I have to get done for these last two weeks. Anyways, back to my first hallucination. It was actually hysterical now that I look back at it. I remember seeing the Words With Friends screen every time I looked at a blank wall. I had to blink a few times for the screen to disappear.

These hallucinations have occurred a few more times in the weeks to follow but they were all minor and went away quickly. While I sat there in class today listening to my professor explain what music was in his own words, my eyes started to droop. However, I had to stay awake because there's only five of us in this class and you simply just can't fall asleep when everyone in the room is gathered at one table. In my efforts to try to stay awake with my eyes growing heavier by the second, I started visualizing everything in purple. Blank pieces of paper would turn purple for a few seconds before the purple literally slid off the page.

With that being said, I'm extremely glad to be home right now. It's 4:27 AM. I've been working at the Warehouse since 1:30 PM. I left around 7 to make it to family group for our last FG meeting to exchange gifts. I left around 9 to go back to the Warehouse. After what seemed like an eternity, the time read 1:57 AM. At this point, my group was freaking out because our project did not go as we planned.

I remember this point in time vividly (partially because it just happened). The time read 1:57 AM on my phone. We stared at our project for what seemed like a couple of minutes. After some hair-pulling and pleas to go home and think of a solution tomorrow, I finally suggested an idea that ran well with the group. We started to fix up our project when I took out my phone again.

"WHAT?! It's 2:51? It was 1:57 ten minutes ago!"

In our exhaustion, we lost the ability to track time. I can't wait until Thursday is over. I'm going to be the happiest person on campus. Fun fun fun.

Confidence and School

Communications Design has made me critical of every poster, advertisement, etc. that I've seen in the past few weeks. There's at least one poster I see everyday that makes me think to myself, "I can definitely do better than that." The thing is I've been being educated or brainwashed, whatever you want to call it, in the in's-and-out's of communication designs for about three months.

Three months and I'm a cocky know-it-all.

Then when it comes to class, I'm not confident at all about my own work. I think to myself, "Oh man...I wish I did this differently" or "Wow, her poster is a million times better than mine." Why can't I maintain that confidence in doing my own schoolwork?

Three days into a week-long break and I'm already thinking about schoolwork.

But then again, that may just be a byproduct of being up when everyone in my household is sleeping and I'm up-to-date in the shows I watch. Perhaps I should get some sleep, something I wish I could get during school days. But part of me wants to enjoy all this down time. I'm actually not as busy as I'm making myself sound right now. Since I procrastinate, I usually have a light work load Sundays-Wednesday afternoons. It's not until Wednesday nights-Friday mornings that I'm actually torturing myself with the sheer amount of work that needs to be done. But I've been handling it better these past two weeks. I can definitely feel like I have more room to breathe.

Feels good.

Mental State and Good Company

Please don't get the wrong idea about me by reading this. I'm normally not this emotionally unstable.

I've been in a rut recently. An emotional rut. If you know me, you would know I don't really show my bad moods. I prefer to keep to myself and gradually disappear from the room without actually leaving it. Well, for those who know me and is reading this...now you know how to tell when I'm not in a good mood. I absolutely hate it when people ask me "Are you alright?" but that's a much longer story. But I'll briefly touch upon it soon.

Anyways, back to being an emotional train wreck. I've been having dance practices every day of the week to prep up for the upcoming performances. Usually at these practices, I like to let myself go and just be the goof ball that I don't show when I'm at church. I guess it's just the way I want to present myself. I wanted to be someone people can look up to at church, hence why I held back on being a clown. "Wanted". Being a good model of Christianity is extremely difficult and that's also a story for another time. It's not that I don't want to be anymore, but I'd rather focus on things I can immediately do. That is more of something of a long term goal that I hope to achieve one day when I have things figured out.

Second time I got sidetracked. I'm normally a goof back home or dance practices here at Syracuse. This past week, I just let my foul mood stink up the room. There were a few factors. One, I tend to over think things a lot. It got to the point that I was over thinking aspects of my life that it just frustrated me. I cause myself unnecessary stress. Secondly, I don't like having things explained to me. I mean, if I'm confused or don't particularly understand something, then an explanation is more than welcome. But if I understand something completely and someone is still trying to explain it, then I just get ticked. I don't normally get angry easily, but that's just one thing that bothers me to no end. A few times during practices, I felt like a five year old being told why things should be one way or another.

Remember, I tend to keep to myself and gradually disappear from the room without really leaving it when I'm in a foul mood. Normally, in a larger setting with more people, no one would really notice. But there's less than ten people in the room and I'm always the loud one. Naturally, people think there's something wrong when the guy who normally can't stop cracking jokes just doesn't talk. So many times during those days I was unhappy (lack of a better word), I had to hear "Are you okay?" and "Is something wrong?" I understand people are just trying to care and help, but when I'm in that state of mind, I just want to be left alone.

So what's the point of this blog post? It's not to sound off as an unappreciative and emotional douchebag. There's more.

Maybe it was because I missed church the past two Fridays and Sunday that I didn't really have the mindset to talk to God or even some church friends. But I thank those who unknowingly got me back on a positive note. Just seeing some faces I haven't seen in like two weeks lifted my spirits. Smiling and joyful faces. Everyone has their own problems, but it's a thing of beauty when everyone can laugh together as a group of friends.

Never underestimate good company. Sometimes all we need are a few friends, lots of laughter, and impeccable timing by God.