Mental State and Good Company

Please don't get the wrong idea about me by reading this. I'm normally not this emotionally unstable.

I've been in a rut recently. An emotional rut. If you know me, you would know I don't really show my bad moods. I prefer to keep to myself and gradually disappear from the room without actually leaving it. Well, for those who know me and is reading this...now you know how to tell when I'm not in a good mood. I absolutely hate it when people ask me "Are you alright?" but that's a much longer story. But I'll briefly touch upon it soon.

Anyways, back to being an emotional train wreck. I've been having dance practices every day of the week to prep up for the upcoming performances. Usually at these practices, I like to let myself go and just be the goof ball that I don't show when I'm at church. I guess it's just the way I want to present myself. I wanted to be someone people can look up to at church, hence why I held back on being a clown. "Wanted". Being a good model of Christianity is extremely difficult and that's also a story for another time. It's not that I don't want to be anymore, but I'd rather focus on things I can immediately do. That is more of something of a long term goal that I hope to achieve one day when I have things figured out.

Second time I got sidetracked. I'm normally a goof back home or dance practices here at Syracuse. This past week, I just let my foul mood stink up the room. There were a few factors. One, I tend to over think things a lot. It got to the point that I was over thinking aspects of my life that it just frustrated me. I cause myself unnecessary stress. Secondly, I don't like having things explained to me. I mean, if I'm confused or don't particularly understand something, then an explanation is more than welcome. But if I understand something completely and someone is still trying to explain it, then I just get ticked. I don't normally get angry easily, but that's just one thing that bothers me to no end. A few times during practices, I felt like a five year old being told why things should be one way or another.

Remember, I tend to keep to myself and gradually disappear from the room without really leaving it when I'm in a foul mood. Normally, in a larger setting with more people, no one would really notice. But there's less than ten people in the room and I'm always the loud one. Naturally, people think there's something wrong when the guy who normally can't stop cracking jokes just doesn't talk. So many times during those days I was unhappy (lack of a better word), I had to hear "Are you okay?" and "Is something wrong?" I understand people are just trying to care and help, but when I'm in that state of mind, I just want to be left alone.

So what's the point of this blog post? It's not to sound off as an unappreciative and emotional douchebag. There's more.

Maybe it was because I missed church the past two Fridays and Sunday that I didn't really have the mindset to talk to God or even some church friends. But I thank those who unknowingly got me back on a positive note. Just seeing some faces I haven't seen in like two weeks lifted my spirits. Smiling and joyful faces. Everyone has their own problems, but it's a thing of beauty when everyone can laugh together as a group of friends.

Never underestimate good company. Sometimes all we need are a few friends, lots of laughter, and impeccable timing by God.

Morning Panic and Amazing Grace

All this stress is definitely chopping away years of my life. For those who don't know, I'm the biggest procrastinator you'll ever meet and that's not just exaggeration. The only way I can give 100% concentration and focus is through racing the clock at the most dire times.

I have a midterm review today. This is where I put all the projects I've done so far in this semester in two of my classes and the Comm. Design professors all gather and grade them. Only the dumbest and laziest of students wouldn't redo their worst projects and make them better for the review. I told myself to get started on it early in the week since I had a rather light week with not as heavy of a workload as normal. Fast forward to Friday night. I'm working at the slowest pace possible with snack breaks and YouTube watching.

At around 4 PM, I have nothing done yet. I still have all my projects that I finished in previous weeks, but nothing redone. My eyes are drooping like I haven't slept in years. I decided to take an hour and a half nap then work like crazy. I wake up at 6 and decided it was too cold, so I wrapped myself in my makeshift blanket and dozed off again. I wake up and hour later and I finally got my procrastinating butt to work. I either underestimated the difficulty of redoing projects or overestimated my own abilities. Either way, I only finished 3 of the probably 7 redo's I planned for the morning. I decided to use my old ones. They weren't terrible, but they could've been much better.

If you're still reading, then you're awesome. I'm about to get to my panic attack.

My review is at 11 AM and it's 10. I should have been at the Warehouse by now. What's the problemo? I lost two of my logo designs that I need for the review. I have a bunch of old drafts lying around that could technically pass, but they are beyond horrible. I'm searching for over half and hour and I'm about tear my hair out. It's too late by that time to run to the library to print another one out because I need to hand-draw one as well as mount both the hand-drawn one and printed one onto a board. I call a cab and use that time in which it takes to get to my place to give one last search for my lost logos.

God's power is real. I started pleading with my heart and mind for God to give me an idea of where they could be. Almost instantaneously, a light bulb goes off in my head. I take a look at a pad of watercolor papers I have. I flip through the pad and "ta-da"! My logos are wedged inside the pad. God is great.

I arrive at the review room to hang my stuff up at 10:55. Professors look at me in disappointment and state I should have been here an hour early. Not only do I have to hang my work up, I also have to hang my friend's up too since he went home for the weekend and couldn't do it. At least one of the professors applauded my willingness to help a friend in need despite me being ridiculously unpunctual (is that a word. Not punctual?).

I'm sitting on a couch right now outside the room awaiting my verdict. It's like waiting on death row. One piece of paper of evaluation will make or break my weekend. Word is that pretty much everyone gets a "C" on this midterm review. A "C" will make me the happiest guy on campus. A "B" will pretty much make me faint. A "D" will mortify me to no end. Oh, how I hope I can get at least a "C".

EDIT: The verdict is in. I am average! A "C" has never looked so relieving. I got 5's across the board except a 6 in "Clarity of concepts".

Irks and Neighbors

2:46 AM

All my assignments for tomorrow are done (well mostly). I should have showered and called it a night half an hour ago. Yet, I sit here in my living room going through YouTube videos. What are people doing at this time? Most likely sleeping, writing a paper, studying for exams...you know the normal college student things. The people across the street for me have decided to do something a little different. I still don't know what they're doing. It sounds like they decided to jump an aluminum can with a baseball bat. I hear one girl scream "I didn't get to hit it yet!" What has that aluminum can done to deserve a group beating in the middle of the night.

I haven't had the best luck with neighbors. I live in an apartment back home in New York City. It's a small apartment. There are three floors with two homes on each. That's six families. I live on the first floor. Naturally, that means I hear everything that goes on. The families that have lived across from me on the first floor have had their fair share of problems. I think it's a curse (not really, but it's fun to think so).

There was this one family that had a teenage son who couldn't stay out of trouble. I was around 16 at that time. He was probably my age or a year older. I remember one night the cops showed up and dragged him to their door. They claim he broke into someone's car and slept in there. Why? Because his parents wouldn't let him in. They no longer live there.

There was a family who stole my uncle's chainsaw from the basement (which only my family has access to. Perks of being landlords). Now, there's a small surveillance camera built into a door that doesn't even open. I think it was partially my fault. Someone knocked on my door while I was still sleeping. He asked if he could use the basement. I was half-asleep and wasn't thinking. Before I knew it, I think I showed him the trick to opening the basement door without the keys. There's an extra lock on the door now.

Then there are the brats two floors above me. Ok, it's not fair to call them brats. They're just kids...who won't stop crying. It's been like eight years. This past summer was the first time I've heard no crying. There's three children in that home. The eldest should have outgrown crying about not getting to play his toys five years ago. Yet, he cried until the youngest stopped crying. They would scream at each other in front of their window as if their lives depended on who could cry the loudest (which conveniently can be heard from my window).

Lastly, there's the family living directly above me. I swear on my life that I hear someone from that home humming some chant every day. No one else hears it. It's normally in the afternoon directly above my room. Maybe that's why. But, it drives me nuts. Thank God for the invention of earphones.

I think my neighbors from across the street have finally put that can to rest. I still hear them outside, but that poor can has finally left this world.

State of Mind and Characteristics

I was intrigued when I read a friend's post about which side of the brain you use. After a quick glimpse at the list of those who use the left side of their brain, I could quickly determine that I used the right side.

Here is a list (a rather lengthy one at that) of characteristics that is associated with those using the right side of their noggin. Note: I'll try to cut out the stupid bullet points.

• Prefer rock music

Rock music is what actually got me into music. I'm Asian and my first favorite band was Linkin Park. Surprise, surprise.

• Prefer visual instructions with examples

I don't read "How To's". I watch them. When I first tried to learn to tie a tie, I found a guide...in text. I couldn't figure it out for the life of me. Later, I found a wiki with pictures of steps to tying a tie. Nailed it.

• Good at sports

I think I fall victim to being able to play a lot of sports (except volleyball...the one sport I'll never figure out which deducts 50 points off my Asian-ness) but not being particularly excellent at any of them.

• Good at art

My major.

• Cat lovers

Here is where the list is wrong. I think cats are the most boring pets. I love dogs. I used to be terrified of them when I was younger until I learned they won't chew your arms off. Now, if you put a dog in front of me, I will not give it back.

• Enjoy clowning around

I was the self-appointed class clown in elementary to middle school. I toned down a lot in high school when I figured out that was why all my teachers hated me. Now I'm only the clown with close friends back home.

• Can be hypnotized

No idea if I am, but I really want to see a hypnotist.

• Like to read fantasy and mystery stories

Mystery stories, yes. The Millennium trilogy by Stieg Larsson had me sleep deprived. I guess you can count the Hunger Games trilogy as fantasy, too. When I read, I want to be taken to a world outside of ours (not like alien sci-fi stuff).

• Can listen to music or TV while studying

Other people have never understood this about me. I always listen to music when I do homework. It distracts people I do homework with more than it does to me.

• Like to write fiction

I guess if I had to choose a genre to write, fiction would probably be top of the list. I find it easier and more interesting to write about things that could never happen in real life.

• Prefer group

I was the kid in class who got all giddy when the teacher announced a group project.

• Fun to dream about things that will probably never happen

Countless dreams of being an NBA player, a rock star, a ninja, etc.

• Enjoy making up own drawings and images

I doodle a lot in class. There's this one small robot character that has popped up in a few of my notebooks. Oh, and this nerd I recently made up in one of my classes.

• Good at geometry

Geometry was the math I received the highest grades for in high school. Go figure.

• Occasionally absentminded

I blank out a lot. I apologize in advance if this happens.

• Like to act out stories

I absolutely loved it when we got to read out lines in English class for Shakespeare stories. My biggest regret in high school was not joining the drama club.

• Preference for summarizing over outlining

The biggest annoyance of my middle school life was writing outlines for each Social Studies chapter for homework. I would rather summarize than give a boring outline.

I wonder what kinds of career are listed for people who use the right side of their brains. Oh, would you look at that. "Artist". I guess that makes it as clear as day about which side I use unless I want to become a lawyer out of the blue.